Redemption

She'd done it all.

Her whole life.

Read her Bible.

Prayed.

Memorized Scripture.

Sent money to the missionaries overseas.

Asked God to forgive her for every wrong.

Dressed right.

Never used bad language.

So why the emptiness inside?

Why the feelings of inadequacy, the feeling of never being enough?

-not kind enough

-not smart enough

-not talented enough

-not spiritual enough

just.not.enough.

She struggled too, with judging people. Except, she didn't call it struggling...or judging.

After all, she knew how a person ought to dress. 
She knew that following Rules #1, 2 and 3 always produced Results #4, 5 and 6.

Most people either got what they deserved, or just didn't know how they ought to live.

Her heart didn't break for the lost.

In fact, she didn't really want to enter into their messy world and contaminate herself. 

She was kind of ashamed to admit it, though.

Jesus himself had sent His disciples into all the world.

Who was this "world" anyway?

Was it her ungodly neighbors whom she'd never met?

Was it the people who spent their weekends making decisions they'd later regret?

Was it the people who didn't hold themselves to the same standard of perfection as she did?

And then one day, God gently entered her perfect world and turned it upside down.

It started innocently enough. 

She'd been praying to go deeper with Jesus.

She also had an encounter which began a real friendship with someone outside her cultural boundaries. 

Someone who was so very different from her.

Someone who was just so full of Jesus that it poured out into their conversations, their messy lifestyle, their everyday, mundane moments.

She began to ask questions.

Questions she'd been trying to ask her entire life, but kept stuffing them down, for they were too dangerous.

How could her friend be so full of Jesus but not follow "the rules"?

She asked God to show her His heart

-His heart for people.

To see people the way He saw them.

And bit by bit, God stripped her of all her beliefs, rules, and guidelines. 

He tore away the security of always knowing the right answer to every question.

 He took her to a place where her only answer was Jesus.

Her reputation took a huge blow, too.
 She had known love, acceptance, and approval everywhere she turned. 

But as God changed who she was on the inside, the outside began to change too.

People turned away.

A few stayed around, but most people didn't know what to do with he new her.

She began to see her nasty, stinking pride for what it really was.

No longer did she live to protect her crazy perfect image.

Now she was living for the approval of Jesus, and Him alone.

Did she get it right all the time?

Certainly not.

She fell and stumbled a lot.

When she was flat on her face, in her old pit of selfishness and arrogance, she would hear Jesus softly say, "I love you, daughter. I always have."

And His grace would gently pick her up, brush off the dirt, and set her back on her feet again.

She loved sitting outside at night and watching the stars.

She'd be so overwhelmed that the Creator of the universe cared about her!

She talked to Him about everything, for now, it wasn't a prayer time to be crossed off a to-do list, but a relationship to experience.

It didn't need a start time or a stop time.

Conversations with Jesus flowed through her day as easily as breathing.

Life didn't necessarily get easy-

it just changed from a production she had to "act" in to a life she could "live" in.

She was now free to love others without judgment,

 without having to be right every time, 

without proving herself.

The love and gratitude she felt towards her Savior flowed out of a heart that had been set free,

not a heart bent on performance.

She knew Jesus wasn't done writing her story.

There would be hard things in the future.

But now she was able to thank Him for the deeply painful parts,
 for truly, those experiences were the springboard for the rest of her life.

She had needed those encounters with people outside her cultural boundaries,

she had also needed the mind-numbing pain when Jesus stripped everything familiar away,

as well as the intense pain of pruning, rejection, and questions. 

Without that, she would never have found the freedom and joy she experienced today.

Today she can walk with a light in her eyes, 

a fire in her soul,

 joy in her steps, 

and purpose and meaning in each day.

Because of Jesus!

Jesus Is Peace

When I've cried all my tears, You see and tell me You  put them in a bottle. (Ps. 56:8)

When I think this is the end of the story, You remind me that at the end of Your story there is a happy ending.

When I wonder who's winning around here, You say You already won the victory.

When I want to give up, You say "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

When I am without hope, You remind me of the cross that fateful night You hung there.

When I want the pain to stop, You remind me that I wasn't created for here, but for THERE.

When I wonder how to pray, You show me verses like Romans 8:26 and tell me that You will intercede  for me.

When the hurt is deep, You remind me of the pain You suffered on the cross for me.

When I long to see You work in people's hearts, You say I need to let You work in my heart.

When I long for more of You, You come, but now how I expect You to.

When I lift my eyes, I see you there, in the midst of all my confusion, holding tight to me.

When I can't sleep at night, You hold me tight, like a Daddy, and rock me to sleep, and I wake up refreshed.

When I fret about the future, You tell me to rest in Your plans.

All you ask of me is to keep on breathing-

to live out Christ in me-

loving and speaking life into the precious people You place in my path-

that's all.

You'll take care of the rest.

Thank-You, Jesus.

This is where peace is found.

God Answers Little Girl's Prayers

You really have to read my last post to understand this one fully.

Several weeks ago, Boots, another mama cat on the farm began giving birth to her kittens right on the sidewalks. Our son, nameless for privacy, had never seen a freshly born kitten and walked up after it appeared and grabbed the gun to put the 'poor slimy thing' out of its misery. The mama was frantic when she came back and couldn't find her freshly 'hatched' baby. So she grabs a big kitten from Patches's litter, Milkshake, Annika's personal favorite, and runs off with her. Our son saw it all happen and ran after her and rescued poor Milkshake. The next morning when Annika came outside to play with her kittens, Milkshake was gone. We were all pretty certain that Boots had towed her away and claimed her for her own. Try as we might, we could NOT locate the stolen kitten or the rest of Boots's litter.

Annika was very distraught and I encouraged her to pray about it and leave it in God's Hands. I consoled her with the thought that if Boots took her, she was most certainly feeding her. But there was always the possibility that Milkshake had met an untimely death.

After Patches died, I told God that if He would send Milkshake back to Annika, it would just be incredibly special.

Well, guess what?! This morning one of the boys came running into the house saying that they followed Boots out to the garage and she went up to the rafters and maybe, just maybe, Milkshake was up there. It took about 20 minutes and a Daddy, and some brothers, and Annika and a saucer of milk to finally recover that lost little kitty. She was fat and healthy but she was a little on the wild side. After about 45 minutes in the house, playing with Annika, she is outside with her siblings and seems to be 'none worse for the wear'.

We have a very happy little girl! God answered her prayer in a marvelous way!

Life is never boring 'round here!

January- Hunger Awareness

Every year in January, I like to set a few goals for the month, mainly centered around healthier eating/Daniel Fast related for my own personal self. This year was no exception, but I really wanted it to be a family project. Leon was reading a book called Ten Days Without  by Daniel Ryan Day and he was really challenged by the concept of doing without to raise awareness and make us more grateful people. So all this to say- we came up with Hunger Awareness for the month of January. It was pretty simple and nothing too drastic, but it has been a very good experience for all of us, and one the children won't soon forget.

The end of December I stocked up on some basic grocery items. Aside from milk and eggs, we would not be buying any groceries the month of January. So far I only bought bananas and lettuce.....so I mostly stuck to that plan.

We went 3 days without any sugar. That was really, really good for us and something we could do more often.

We also went 3 days without meat. That was a bit more challenging, but we still ate very well. The chicken pot pie got made without chicken, we enjoyed the rice and beans and eggs and grilled cheese, but the black bean burgers were kind of a stretch. They actually looked and tasted good, but the texture was kind of like mashed potatoes, and it just did funny things to your brain.

We are nearing the end of the month, and yes, I do need to go grocery shopping again. The pantry and fridge are emptier than usual, but we ate very well this month in spite of it. I thought outside of the box and we did without. We saved a lot of money on groceries and all you need to say is 'black bean burgers' and most grumbling ends.:)

I asked the children for their opinions on the month. This is what they came up with:

Brooklyn- "It's hard to go without sugar." (Can you tell she's got a major sweet tooth?)
Annika- "It showed us how some children feel when they don't have some kinds of foods."
Jamison- "It made us aware of how much {we} have. It was a good experience."
Logan- "It made me more grateful. It was all good except for the black bean burgers, and going without sweet tea."

We are still talking of an electronics fast sometime. I really wanted everyone to go to bed hungry at least once this month but that never happened.  The comment was made by one of the children, " But why do that to ourselves if we actually have enough to eat?" Hmm. Still pondering that one.

Squeezing the Last Sweet Drops Out of Summer

What a good, busy summer we had. And now it's officially fall...I mean, the calendar says so. Who can argue with that? Tonight the children helped me pick 5 bushels of apples from our neighbors trees, for free. Tomorrow they go to an Amish farm and get turned into cider. Yummy!

Harvest 2013 has officially started. I take a deep breath and hang on for the ride. I will not complain about long days with no husband around. I will not complain about packing lunches. I will not complain about him always being tired and overworked. I will not complain....:) I will be thankful he is healthy and can work. I will be thankful my children can spend hours with their Dad on the combine, tractor or grain truck. I will be thankful that he comes home every night to me. I will be thankful.....

Today as we raced around the house during break time, and my 10 year old son was trying to catch me, I thought, surely I can still run faster than him. But alas! It was not to be. So now I am resigned to the fact that I have the athletic abilities of a 10 year old, which isn't too bad if it's MY 10 year old. But still....where did that 'fastest running girl in the youth group' go? (funny side note: we had relay races in the youth group once, and I was the fastest girl and Leon was the fastest boy. He likes to say that I had to marry him because he was the only one I couldn't outrun.)

My favorite pictures from the summer:

                                                      games with Great Grandma

Jamison's prize watermelon

                                                       Canning....snapping beans....

Slip and slide on hot days

                                                                 
                                                                    applesauce day

Cousin Fun

                                                       
                                                             Corn on the cob for lunch

                                                       (notice the kitties in the lunch bag)

It was a good summer. Yes, it was.

May 5, 1985

28 years ago. A long time ago.

May 5 never rolls around without me doing some reflecting, remembering. Some years more than others.

My Dad passed away from a heart attack 28 years ago. He was 49 years old. I was 9.

Every now and then I go back in my mind and remember the scared little girl...the hopelessness...the loneliness...feeling misunderstood.... I remember how unfair it seemed back then, how unfair it still seems. I think about all the years I missed having a Daddy, and all the milestones I celebrated without him. I think of my husband and the fact that he never knew his father-in-law. I tell my kids about their Grandpa Joe and how he loved children but the fact that they never got to meet him seems so unfair.

This morning, when I awoke, I immediately thought of this day, this anniversary of my Dad's death. I briefly went back to that 9 year old girl, but then I stopped. I felt God so strongly telling me "Don't look at what you lost. Look at what you gained."

So I did. I thought about the love and compassion people showed our family. I thught about the many, many people I have empathized with and encouraged because I truly knew what they were going through. I thought of the verses in the Bible that talk about God being a Father to the fatherless. Those weren't just words on a page. I had experienced them first hand. I thought about the faithfulness of God. I don't just believe it by faith but I know it's real.

Do you know how I know? Because not once in the last 28 years did God ever leave me alone. He was there through it all.

My story is unique. So is yours. See God's hand in it. Learn about His heart. Look at what you gained, not at what you lost.

My Thanksgiving Post

Blogging has not been a priority around here lately, but that doesn't mean I've been sitting around doing nothing. :)

Being grateful has been on my mind a lot lately and rightfully so with the holiday we enjoyed yesterday. When I take my eyes off of my blessings I become cynical, discouraged and just plain grouchy. I know that Ann Voskamp is onto something. Often it's being thankful for the little things, the ordinary things, that helps my attitude the most. Seeing God move in little ways in my everyday life is a huge gift. I may never even tell you about it, but it strengthens my relationship with Him so much. I deeply regret all the years I missed seeing God in the little things.

Here are a few photos of a few of my favorite things:

Our 1905 farmhouse

(I have such a love/hate relationship with it but most days I am truly grateful!)

My 'sleeping' garden

Spinach from my 'sleeping' garden :)

Chocolate Crinkle cookies 

My 4 healthy, creative children

Our funny chickens that finally started laying eggs

My Bible and devotional book

my washline

My wonderful husband- who encourages me to go Black Friday shopping at midnight, because people are more important than sleep, and then laughs good naturedly at me all day long for making so many mistakes due to a fuzzy brain, and even surprises me by folding all the laundry when I'm out getting groceries. He's a keeper, and I don't know if they make any more like him.

Thanksgiving Day memories with my family

Happy weekend!

My Happy List

• the Farmer is finished with harvest!! Yay!


• happy 6 year old girl who 'made' breakfast with Mom

• fall pretties outside my window

• lots of school work being accomplished
• pumpkin cookies with cream cheese frosting
• friends who encourage my relationship with God
• a date night with dear husband
• funny, healthy children who love having Nerf gun fights

(This is only allowed for short periods of time, because it always gets out of hand!)




• a clean house, thanks to me hosting ladies Bible study last night
• laundry all finished for the week
• an empty fridge (which means I get to cook fresh food)
• our special youth group, that we are enjoying so much
• a cleared garden
• a skirt that I re-made for Annika that turned out great
•           family pictures that are ordered for Christmas
• kind brothers who 'dance' with their princess sisters

• memories of the whole family being in the pig barn- Leon & the boys vaccinating, the girls just playing
• 
• 
• the goodness of God
• the weekend ahead of me
• 'someone' unknown bringing supper in tonight.....???????

My Title-less Post

So my title could be:

Stuff I've Learned in The Past Week
or
God Is Always Enough
or
Why Don't my Leaves Blow Away Before I Have To Rake Them?
or
I Love/Hate Harvest
or
Why Mom's Must Get Up Before Their Children
or
Just How Crazy is a Home School Mom
or
The Work It Takes To Run a House
or
Why Don't These Mice Change Their Address?
or
My Over-Due Brain Dump

but...
none of these titles seemed quite right so I crossed them off one by one and left my post title-less. Don't say you weren't warned.

This has been an incredibly beautiful fall with lovely weather. Leon has been busy harvesting. I am so tired of packing lunches. He says he's more tired of eating them. Is that even possible? He has never enjoyed sandwiches and altho' I think I've been pretty creative, he still prefers sitting down at the kitchen table for lunch. Here are some of this year's options: ham and cheese, ham wraps, burritos, grilled hamburgers, hot ham and cheese, quesadillas, philly cheese steak, and BLT's. Add some fresh from the garden peppers or radishes, chips, an apple, maybe a granola bar......and well, it's still a packed lunch. That's alright. I love my meat-and-potato-man.

I helped my mom with a group today again. It takes a lot of effort to race out the door before lunch and hope that my students can take their work along and finish it there. I love to help her, but I really love to stay at home. Today I mopped all her hardwood floors and cleaned her bathrooms. My girls love using her feather duster and dust mop. Annika asked her if she would pay them. I was horrified. I don't want my children to expect pay from Grandma for doing stuff for her, but she nearly always pays them something so I'm having a hard time getting this across. I discovered one son took his wallet along today so he would have a safe place for his money when Grandma pays him! HELP! But all that cleaning and working away makes me come home tired and not wanting to do even one thing in my own house. It's raining and so when my farmer husband came home, I said to him, "The kids are watching a movie, I'm exhausted, there's nothing made or planned for supper, and welcome home."  Yes, those were my exact words. Judge me, if you will. He said, "Why don't I run to town and get pizza for supper and pick up that contact solution that you need so desperately?" I couldn't say yes fast enough. This is very uncharacteristic of him, but I'm just lovin' it!

I let the girls pick out knit fabric at Jo-Ann's last week. Annika picked out a fruity/flowery summer print. Would you or would you not make this into a long sleeved winter dress? Sigh. She has her heart set on it so I'll probably go ahead. Note to self: Do not let girls pick fabric unless you are really going to be okay with whatever they choose.

We have a mouse problem in our house like never before. I hate mice! Leon uses the BB gun on them if they dare stick their heads out. So far, he's killed 2 that way and it's been mess-free. I won't mention how many he just gave a severe headache to in his quest to kill but not to splatter. All I can say is, if we have mice, we don't have snakes. Oh, old house, how I love thee!

I deep cleaned my house the middle of July. I had several young girls come and help me for a few days. That works best for this home school mama. But now it's starting to look and feel dirty again and everyone else is cleaning and I almost feel like I should clean again but I remind myself that it's all done already. You cannot make me feel guilty, you cobwebs in the corner.

We were commissioned last month as youth pastors. We are actually part of a youth pastor team. It's been quite a journey....God has an amazing way of working. I would never in my wildest imaginations have dreamt we would do something like this. But the way God leads doesn't always make sense. After the initial overwhelming feelings of this job being bigger than us, (which it is) and questioning our own capabilities, (still do) we are actually starting to enjoy this opportunity a lot. We are still getting to know the youth group which has it's pro's and con's. They are still getting to know us as well. But it feels so good to be used by God and to hear His voice. Unless you've walked with us through the past number of years, that may not make a lot of sense to you.

My oldest son cooked our evening meal  one night this week. His menu was: Little Cheddar Meat loaves, Baked Potato Slices, and Cheesy Green Beans. He labored long over that meal and totally regretted having chosen such a detailed menu. At the table he said, "Wow, Mom, I didn't know you have to work that hard to make a meal for us." I'm thinking, "And that wasn't even hard. That's why I have you cook, so you learn how AND so you appreciate what others do for you."

If I'm growing in my relationship with God, and feeling His presence in my life every day, not to mention having prayers answered in amazing{little}ways, then how come certain relationships are just plain hard? A lot of thoughts like these went through my head recently. And it seemed like I heard God say, "Do you think these things are too hard for Me? " And I felt chastised. Really, God wants to be involved with every detail of my life. He cares about my relationships even more than I do.

Surrender. Been thinking a lot about surrender. Giving up. Leaving my agenda for God's agenda. Not surrendering so I get what I want in the end. Total surrender. Ouch.

Could it be that when I am the most judgemental is when I am taking my eyes off of the Grace I've been given? I cannot give something I don't have.

This seems like enough of a brain dump for one day. Boy, do I feel better. Even if nobody reads this, I sat down and put some of my thoughts into sentences. That is therapy for me.

Gratitude

After three days of incredible pain from sores in her mouth, diagnosis of Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease by her Mom, there was no way I could say "No" to Brooklyn last night when she asked "Couldsh you please come watsh me play soccer, Mom?" Her words were still slurred together from those nasty sores on her tongue.

The rest of the family was at church, hearing a missionary presentation on their work in China. Brooke and I went for a long walk, and when we got back she really perked up. Watching her little legs run around the yard, seeing her big smile, watching the sun shine on her head, it was all such a Gift. I know, she was only sick for 3 days, refusing to eat anything or drink anything, even ice cream. The only way to get any nourishment in her was when Daddy forced it in, making her cry in the process.

When I was rocking her at night, I couldn't help but think of all the momma's who have sick children, not just a 3 day yucky virus, but a sick that goes on forever. I began counting my blessings that my little girl was actually quite healthy and would recover from this.

But then I thought, why does it take this to make me grateful? Yes, I often thank God for our children's health, but I also often totally take it for granted. How can gratitude be more a part of my life, instead of just after a calamity arises?

I am an avid follower of aholyexperience.com, Ann Voskamp's blog. I have her book "One Thousand Gifts" here on my shelf, waiting to be read. I absolutely love how she challenges me to think. But I still feel like a pretty ungrateful person.

I don't think we have to go through hard times to make us more grateful. I think for me it's more of an AWARENESS that everything I have is not really mine; it's a GIFT from God.

Today I am thankful for

• beautiful weather
• healthy children
• a hard working husband
• my garden
• sweet tea
• friends that challenge me
• my time with God this morning
• money to buy groceries
• the 1 1/2 inches of rain we had last Saturday!!!
• clean laundry

I got to thinking that for each of these I just mentioned, I could make another list that looks something like this.....

• the weather has been terribly hot and dry here
• Brooke has been sick for 3 DAYS!
• Leon has entirely too much to do right now and we don't get to see him nearly enough
• my garden needs tilling so I can plant fall stuff, but who knows when my husband will have time
• sweet tea rots my teeth and puts fat on my belly
• where are my good friends?
• I'm too busy to have a regular time with God
• the money barely reaches right now
• we could sure use more rain to end this drought
• I only did 18 loads of laundry last week!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes, even when I'm counting my blessings, I add these clauses to my gratitude that almost erases it completely.

God, help me to be truly grateful for what You have given me. And if You choose to take it away, help me still be grateful. I know that you desire a heart of gratitude in me. I choose to be graeful in whatever situation I find myself in.