Redemption

She'd done it all.

Her whole life.

Read her Bible.

Prayed.

Memorized Scripture.

Sent money to the missionaries overseas.

Asked God to forgive her for every wrong.

Dressed right.

Never used bad language.

So why the emptiness inside?

Why the feelings of inadequacy, the feeling of never being enough?

-not kind enough

-not smart enough

-not talented enough

-not spiritual enough

just.not.enough.

She struggled too, with judging people. Except, she didn't call it struggling...or judging.

After all, she knew how a person ought to dress. 
She knew that following Rules #1, 2 and 3 always produced Results #4, 5 and 6.

Most people either got what they deserved, or just didn't know how they ought to live.

Her heart didn't break for the lost.

In fact, she didn't really want to enter into their messy world and contaminate herself. 

She was kind of ashamed to admit it, though.

Jesus himself had sent His disciples into all the world.

Who was this "world" anyway?

Was it her ungodly neighbors whom she'd never met?

Was it the people who spent their weekends making decisions they'd later regret?

Was it the people who didn't hold themselves to the same standard of perfection as she did?

And then one day, God gently entered her perfect world and turned it upside down.

It started innocently enough. 

She'd been praying to go deeper with Jesus.

She also had an encounter which began a real friendship with someone outside her cultural boundaries. 

Someone who was so very different from her.

Someone who was just so full of Jesus that it poured out into their conversations, their messy lifestyle, their everyday, mundane moments.

She began to ask questions.

Questions she'd been trying to ask her entire life, but kept stuffing them down, for they were too dangerous.

How could her friend be so full of Jesus but not follow "the rules"?

She asked God to show her His heart

-His heart for people.

To see people the way He saw them.

And bit by bit, God stripped her of all her beliefs, rules, and guidelines. 

He tore away the security of always knowing the right answer to every question.

 He took her to a place where her only answer was Jesus.

Her reputation took a huge blow, too.
 She had known love, acceptance, and approval everywhere she turned. 

But as God changed who she was on the inside, the outside began to change too.

People turned away.

A few stayed around, but most people didn't know what to do with he new her.

She began to see her nasty, stinking pride for what it really was.

No longer did she live to protect her crazy perfect image.

Now she was living for the approval of Jesus, and Him alone.

Did she get it right all the time?

Certainly not.

She fell and stumbled a lot.

When she was flat on her face, in her old pit of selfishness and arrogance, she would hear Jesus softly say, "I love you, daughter. I always have."

And His grace would gently pick her up, brush off the dirt, and set her back on her feet again.

She loved sitting outside at night and watching the stars.

She'd be so overwhelmed that the Creator of the universe cared about her!

She talked to Him about everything, for now, it wasn't a prayer time to be crossed off a to-do list, but a relationship to experience.

It didn't need a start time or a stop time.

Conversations with Jesus flowed through her day as easily as breathing.

Life didn't necessarily get easy-

it just changed from a production she had to "act" in to a life she could "live" in.

She was now free to love others without judgment,

 without having to be right every time, 

without proving herself.

The love and gratitude she felt towards her Savior flowed out of a heart that had been set free,

not a heart bent on performance.

She knew Jesus wasn't done writing her story.

There would be hard things in the future.

But now she was able to thank Him for the deeply painful parts,
 for truly, those experiences were the springboard for the rest of her life.

She had needed those encounters with people outside her cultural boundaries,

she had also needed the mind-numbing pain when Jesus stripped everything familiar away,

as well as the intense pain of pruning, rejection, and questions. 

Without that, she would never have found the freedom and joy she experienced today.

Today she can walk with a light in her eyes, 

a fire in her soul,

 joy in her steps, 

and purpose and meaning in each day.

Because of Jesus!

Trust {no matter what}

Somehow, when I was in my early twenties, and living my life, I looked loftily upon the almost 40 year olds around me, and thought that when I get to be their age, I would certainly have life figured out. I mean, I already knew a lot, and give me another 15-20 years, and I'd pretty much have a handle on knowledge.

Call me arrogant, or naive, (I'll own up to both) but I really did think that way down deep.

Well, hello. Here I am. Staring 40 in the face and feeling like there are so many, many things I don't know. So many things I don't have figured out. Somehow that doesn't start a panic attack like I thought it might. Because I think I've figured out some basic truths, and I'm learning more and more about God's Father-heart towards His children, and somehow, that is enough.

The last several years have been rich. Rich in learning, learning so much more about Jesus than I ever knew before. And with that learning comes the realization that, the more I learn, the more I have to learn and how little I actually know.

These years have been rich in relationships. Not with the kind of friends that know every detail of your physical life, like how many quarts of green beans you canned, or how your child lost his new shoes, but the kind of relationships that care for your heart. I am so blessed to have friends who pray for me, who ask me how I'm doing, for real, and who share words of encouragement with me.

The past several years have also been filled with pain. Deep, aching in my heart. Strained relationships, disappointments, longing for other's to experience freedom and unconditional love.

Recently, I was in a discussion with someone and the subject of breaking habits and living victoriously came up. I was asked for ways to do this. I sat and thought. My mind flashed back to years ago when I would've had a formula figured out at the snap of my fingers. It was different this time. I sat and waited and I heard God say to me, "It's not so much about the Doing, as it is about the Knowing." The words I said to my friend were not my own. I shared the deep unconditional love of Jesus. I encouraged this person to fall in love with Jesus. That in itself would change his appetite. I also spoke of Grace, and not trying to earn our way into a close relationship with Jesus. I don't know if my friend 'got it'. But I do know that as long as I have breath, I will share about these two truths to everyone I can.

And now, somehow this is all supposed to have what?! to do with my title.....

pardon the bunny trail..... :)

my words for 2015 are Trust, No Matter What.

In the midst of one of the most difficult situations I have found myself in yet, I know that God is clearly saying to me to Trust Him, no matter how I feel, no matter what the future holds, no matter if everything comes crashing down around me, Trust. That's all.

....there is a plan and there is a purpose

and there is a God in Heaven who didn't

just ink you onto the palm of His hands

but etched your name right

into Himself with nails and

He hasn't just got your number,

He's got your heart.

He sees you, hidden in Him,

and you aren't ever forgotten

because God can't forget those right in Him.

because God's writing your story and

He never leaves you alone in your story, and

His perfect love absorbs all your fear

and His perfect grace carries

all your burdens.

and your story is a happily ever after

because Christ bought your happily ever after

so you always know how this story ends.

You're going to be okay.

                       -Ann Voskamp

Dear Mommy of Little Ones

I watch you as you rejoice over another new baby joining your family. And I remember.....

Motherhood is by far the most difficult task you will ever attempt. It will stretch you, exhaust you, and hopefully bring you more joy than you ever thought possible.

Your days are full, your nights are short, your house is never in the condition you'd like, and for pity sake, could you please just be allowed to go to the bathroom by yourself?! You are so tired of reading that certain Thomas the Tank Engine book, and completely exhausted with that child who wakes up grouchy every single day, and feel all kinds of 'mommy guilt' for not wanting to spend another day in the house with all these sweet but needy children.

People tell you your child acts up because she needs more individual attention, and your husband and you haven't been on a date in months, (come to think of it, you haven't even finished your sentences to each other in that long, either!) and the baby just takes 20 minute cat naps during the day.

Can I ask you to just stop and find a minute or 2 or 20, maybe while your husband is watching your babies, and cry out to Jesus? He loves mommy's so much and cares deeply for them. Think about all those big things you wanted to do with your life. You are doing that and more as you get to spend every day influencing, teaching and training these precious little people. Determine to stop doing this on your own. Train yourself to cry out to Him for help. My sister used to holler out, "Help us, Jesus" when she was in the thick of it with her little people. (She had 3 in about 3 and a half years.) I thought it was cute until I became a mom, then I realized that she had something I wanted.

I don't want you just to survive, I want you to thrive. I want you to love being a Mommy. I want your children to grow up and remember that mom played games with them, colored with them, taught them how to wash dishes, (or just make a mess in the kitchen) and ran races with them. I want you to experience the fun and joy of motherhood.

Maybe the housework has you completely exhausted. Have a cleaning plan. It can be as simple as clean toilets on Monday, sweep floors on Tuesday, dust on Wednesday, etc. Put it into do-able portions. and teach your children to help. A 3 year old can fling a dust rag. (I know, I know, it's not going to be done right. but you will reap the benefits someday soon if you teach your children to work at an early age, before they are truly help.)

Make a simple plan for meals. You don't have to cook a 3 course meal like your Mom did. Jelly bread makes a fantastic dessert. Make double portions and freeze the extra. And don't go grocery shopping all the time. It's exhausting and un-necessary if you plan ahead.

Stop comparing yourself to the lady down the road who has 4 littles like you and sews all their own clothes and cans oodles of stuff from her garden every spring. That's not you and it's okay.

Find a mentor, someone who can pray for you at a moment's notice, someone you can pour out your heart to, and not feel judgement, someone who cares enough to gently tell you if you're getting something wrong.

And please, please don't go to bed every night with that monster of guilt hanging over you of all the things you did wrong that day. You will wake up the next morning with the same monster and he'll be hanging around your neck before you know it. God delights in you, and even when you mess up, He looks at you and smiles, because He created you and thinks you are pretty amazing.

Now go hug your kids, look them in the eyes, and tell them you love them. Because you know you really do.

 I've discovered that this act of mothering

 is my worship to Him right now.

dying to self & delighting in them

there is failure

oh yes, it is messy and sloppy sometimes

yet forgiveness

and grace

and growing.

  -Lovelyn Palm

What I Learned This Summer

If you read my previous post, you'll remember this was the summerthatflewby. Yes, it has been jam packed with fun activities, one right after the other.

When you have a lot going, sleep tends to be hard to come by. I love mornings unless I'm behind on sleep. Then getting up with the alarm can be a real chore. Fumbling through breakfast, waking tired kids, or letting them sleep, trying to catch up on housework, all makes for a crazy schedule and many days I felt pretty far from the organized person I usually am.

Somehow, in the midst of all this, I would find myself thinking, "Now the virtuous woman would have read her Bible and prayed for an hour, all before 7 AM, even if she was sleep deprived, and you're just getting breakfast cleared away and it's mid morning." (or later!)

"But I can't! I'm too tired!" And then I'd argue with myself.

That's when I heard the soft whisper of "Grace, my child."

Ah, grace. It's the 'in' word these days, I know. Some of you hate it. Some of you get it. Some of you don't. Someday my husband will guest blog for me and put it in his own words, which is the way I understand it best. (He always says, "If you think grace is a license to sin, you don't truly understand it.")

And since I can't do anything to earn love from Jesus, not even reading my Bible or praying for an hour, I'll just soak the love up while I do the laundry, I'll see Him smile on me when I read to Brooke, I'll feel Him chuckle when I sit and listen to my big kids tell jokes, I'll sense His arms around me when I'm having a particularly stressful day, and I'll stop placing conditions on myself to get Jesus to perform.

Before I change the subject, I must tell you my Cato story.

It was one of the last days of our family vacation. We were motel-ing in Harrison, OH and taking in the Creation Museum. The first night at that motel, I sat at the pool with the children so Leon could enjoy some quiet time. The next night was my turn. The plan was that I would drive down the street to Pizza Hut and order a pizza for our supper. But I had about 45 minutes of free time before that. So Leon heads to the pool, and I'm alone in our beautiful, apartment-sized motel room for 45 blissful, quiet minutes. I have my Bible and a great devotional book along, but first I turn on the TV to see if anything good was on. I found a silly chick flick and turned off my brain and relaxed. Suddenly, I noticed the time, so I grabbed the keys and my wallet and headed out the door. At Pizza Hut I was told I had to wait about 15 minutes for my order, so I decided to go see what this town has in it. The entire trip I kept telling Leon that I'd LOVE to find a Cato, since we don't have one real close. So I'm driving down the road talking to God out loud, and I said, "I know I wasn't a very good girl today, God. I should have been  reading my Bible or praying back at the motel during my alone time. I'd love to find a Cato but I don't deserve it-" I was literally mid sentence when I saw it. A Cato sign. I started to cry. I felt God as real that moment as I ever have in my life. I felt Him saying, "You think you get good things in exchange for performing well. That's not how I work. I love you regardless of your choices." Let's just say, I have a new favorite shirt and skirt from Cato that day; I like to think of them as my extra special gifts from God. That's grace, folks.

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Today the children and I went to pick out a puppy for our family. Meet Prince. He's all cute and roly-poly, but completely terrified of the cats. I suppose that will change soon enough. Let's just hope he trains easily, because training children is hard enough, much less a puppy.

 And here are my cute pig-tailed girls!

Bask in the father's Love. It'll change your life!