Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Redemption

She'd done it all.
Her whole life.
Read her Bible.
Prayed.
Memorized Scripture.
Sent money to the missionaries overseas.
Asked God to forgive her for every wrong.
Dressed right.
Never used bad language.

So why the emptiness inside?
Why the feelings of inadequacy, the feeling of never being enough?
-not kind enough
-not smart enough
-not talented enough
-not spiritual enough
just.not.enough.

She struggled too, with judging people. Except, she didn't call it struggling...or judging.
After all, she knew how a person ought to dress. 
She knew that following Rules #1, 2 and 3 always produced Results #4, 5 and 6.
Most people either got what they deserved, or just didn't know how they ought to live.

Her heart didn't break for the lost.
In fact, she didn't really want to enter into their messy world and contaminate herself. 
She was kind of ashamed to admit it, though.
Jesus himself had sent His disciples into all the world.

Who was this "world" anyway?
Was it her ungodly neighbors whom she'd never met?
Was it the people who spent their weekends making decisions they'd later regret?
Was it the people who didn't hold themselves to the same standard of perfection as she did?

And then one day, God gently entered her perfect world and turned it upside down.

It started innocently enough. 
She'd been praying to go deeper with Jesus.
She also had an encounter which began a real friendship with someone outside her cultural boundaries. 
Someone who was so very different from her.
Someone who was just so full of Jesus that it poured out into their conversations, their messy lifestyle, their everyday, mundane moments.

She began to ask questions.
Questions she'd been trying to ask her entire life, but kept stuffing them down, for they were too dangerous.
How could her friend be so full of Jesus but not follow "the rules"?

She asked God to show her His heart
-His heart for people.
To see people the way He saw them.

And bit by bit, God stripped her of all her beliefs, rules, and guidelines. 
He tore away the security of always knowing the right answer to every question.
 He took her to a place where her only answer was Jesus.

Her reputation took a huge blow, too.
 She had known love, acceptance, and approval everywhere she turned. 
But as God changed who she was on the inside, the outside began to change too.
People turned away.
A few stayed around, but most people didn't know what to do with he new her.

She began to see her nasty, stinking pride for what it really was.
No longer did she live to protect her crazy perfect image.
Now she was living for the approval of Jesus, and Him alone.

Did she get it right all the time?
Certainly not.
She fell and stumbled a lot.
When she was flat on her face, in her old pit of selfishness and arrogance, she would hear Jesus softly say, "I love you, daughter. I always have."
And His grace would gently pick her up, brush off the dirt, and set her back on her feet again.

She loved sitting outside at night and watching the stars.
She'd be so overwhelmed that the Creator of the universe cared about her!
She talked to Him about everything, for now, it wasn't a prayer time to be crossed off a to-do list, but a relationship to experience.
It didn't need a start time or a stop time.
Conversations with Jesus flowed through her day as easily as breathing.

Life didn't necessarily get easy-
it just changed from a production she had to "act" in to a life she could "live" in.

She was now free to love others without judgment,
 without having to be right every time, 
without proving herself.

The love and gratitude she felt towards her Savior flowed out of a heart that had been set free,
not a heart bent on performance.
She knew Jesus wasn't done writing her story.
There would be hard things in the future.
But now she was able to thank Him for the deeply painful parts,
 for truly, those experiences were the springboard for the rest of her life.
She had needed those encounters with people outside her cultural boundaries,
she had also needed the mind-numbing pain when Jesus stripped everything familiar away,
as well as the intense pain of pruning, rejection, and questions. 
Without that, she would never have found the freedom and joy she experienced today.

Today she can walk with a light in her eyes, 
a fire in her soul,
 joy in her steps, 
and purpose and meaning in each day.

Because of Jesus!

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Hello, 2017

Who is God and what does He want from me?

I know, deep in my heart, that all God really wants is a relationship with me. He longs to be first in my life, to walk with me, talk with me, every day of my existence. And really, that's what I want to, if I'm honest.



But so much of life comes crowding in, screaming at me from all directions. Yes, I'm a wife, a pastor's wife, a mother, I home school my kids, I love people, I'm involved in youth ministry, and on any given day, I have a hundred or more jumbled thoughts pressing deep on me- 



I cry out to God for broken relationships, for young people to truly know Him, for my own precious children to find Him to be their everything, for my husband to have the courage and wisdom to lead well, for my church and it's needs, for the lost and broken around me, for my own self- to allow the love of Jesus to pour out of me, to rid myself of me and my selfish desires. 



But maybe God doesn't just want my requests, my 911 calls. Maybe He wants something greater. Maybe what He really wants is my worship, my heart. In the midst of loving, serving, and caring about people, I don't want to miss the most important thing.



I want Jesus to be my enough, my cup filled up, my desires fulfilled, my dreams come true, the air I breathe, the inspiration and encouragement to get me through each day. 


I want to hunger for Him like a starving child hungers for food. Food is the only thing they can focus on and it consumes their entire being. That's what I want. I want to feel the ache in my soul that can never be satisfied any other way, but through Jesus alone.




So Jesus- here's my 2017. I have no control over the events of the year ahead. Whether it be feast or famine, trials or joys, valleys or mountains; I release all of it into Your capable hands and I yield myself to You. You know exactly what You want to do in my heart this year. And truly, that's what I want too.



*all photos from our family trip to Lake Michigan July, 2016