Just Me and My Thoughts

I feel dangerous tonight...like maybe I shouldn't be left alone.

Don't call 911 just yet. Let me explain.

Several days ago I blogged. Before I hit publish, I had my husband proof read it. He said it was too, umm, what was the word, raw? I am grateful for his wisdom. It now sits neatly in my Drafts. Maybe you'll see it someday, maybe you won't.

My mind has truly been a whirlwind lately. Sometimes the best way for me to clear my mind is to write.

Recently I explained to my teenage son the way a woman's brain functions versus a man's brain. He thought it was funny. Sometimes my husband finds it funny too; other times it can just be really frustrating.

So let's see, just this week alone, I contemplated the exciting and scary adventure called high school that awaits us just around the corner, I counseled my daughter on the importance of taking your anger to Jesus instead of taking it out on others, I advised my son that if he teased his sisters one more time, well, he didn't even want to imagine what the consequence would be, I explained to a struggling child how I understand the stage of these tough growing up years and how the most important thing to remember is that God loves you and Mom and Dad love you, I banned the use of electronics for an entire 3 hour block, I sent the second grader to the principal's office, (only to hear her sister say, "I would do ANYTHING to get sent to the principal!) and I taught my son, who's as big as me, how to fold a blanket.

I reminded my children to empty the dishwasher, burn the trash, MAKE THE BED, put away their shoes, stop teasing each other, stop laughing at her, and just STOP looking at her altogether!

I messed up more times than I can count, felt like I deserved the Bad Parent Award and have perhaps messed up my children enough to make a counselor cry.

But my mind is still a whirlwind and sometimes I just want to.stop.thinking.

If I had a "man-brain", could I just shut all the boxes and think "nothing"?! I know someone like that. :) I envy him.

I want to be a prayer warrior, an encouraging friend, and able to speak truth in love to those around me. I want to be sensitive to other's needs, and sensitive to the Holy Spirit's nudge to be obedient to whatever He asks me to do.

I want to love people like Jesus loves people. I want to be that listening ear, trusted friend, that many long to have.

But this week, I've struggled to just be.

And once again, God has gently reminded me that it's okay to 'take a break' because of our own pain. It's okay to sit back and let someone else do the loving, the encouraging, even the praying, for a time.

I want to just lean in hard on Jesus, and He will gently heal the hurt. I know He will. And someday I'll look back on this season of my life, and I'll remember the pain. I'll also remember the promise, and the Hands that never let go.

I read something this week in Jesus Calling that I just had to highlight:
 "I did not design the human mind to try to figure out the future. That is beyond your capability. I crafted your mind for continual communication with Me. Bring Me all your needs, your hopes, and fears. Commit everything into My care. Turn from the path of planning to the path of Peace."

And so tonight, I will sleep peacefully in the arms of My Abba Father.